Vegan

I am happy to report that Anthony for the last two days has not been giving me a hard time going to school. He is happy as anything, and has been strong and believe me, I know he is trying. Even at therapy his therapist has said that he has a huge imagination, and is very well in touch with the real world. I was so excited he said that, and happy to know he is not sad at heart and is well. He said Nick is great for Ant, and I should continue to let him grow up. I will continue to take him there every other week. His father has started calling again. I know that Anthony does want to talk to him sometimes. I feel that in the future if Ant asks than I will hand him the phone. Mostly he doesn't want to be bothered. Its his own fathers fault. I mean really, you want to see your kid, get in the car and go pick him up. And if what I require is a cell phone number, just hand it over. I figure if my ex really wants to speak to Ant he can just call my cell. Never once has he.
I have started some hobbies. This for instance. And I am succeeding very well at eating vegan. It has been a week for me. I go to the gym every morning. I try to burn at least 600 calories. You would think after doing this for a week I would have lost a pound. Nope. The vegan thing is good for me. I am learning new ways to cook and I have to say, its fun. My dad is doing this with me, and it is nice to have something to talk about with him. Hes funny, how he is taking cooking advice from me, and wants me to take him to the supermarket. I love my parents very much. And it took a long time to really appreciate them. They are so good to Ant and my son loves them both with all his heart. Last night, I remembered watching a movie. I must have been at least 16. I went down stairs to the kitchen where my mother was..as usual. I told her the name of the movie, and she responded that it was "such a tear jerker". Last night, while watching t.v. with Nick, I could not remember the name of that movie. I called my mom, and reminded her of just that story. She remembered that exact incident. She remember the name of the movie. I could not believe how she remembered with just that little piece of information. I could only wish to be just as good of a parent as they where to me. If only I recognized that when I was young.

Worry

I have learned in my life that worrying does absolutely nothing. Why worry about things that have not happened? Why stress out about things you have not control over? Nick has taught me that in more than one ways. That doesn't always stop me though...He has tried to show me the other side of the negative and has kept me open minded in every aspect of my life. He once shared with me when I was expressing to him about my anxiety with Anthony's seizures that maybe he has them for a reason. To prevent him from something. Where I always see it as maybe the seizures prevent him from having a normal life. He expressed if he didn't have them maybe he would be able to drive, get into an accident. Or I would be so carefree with him. And that would run him in trouble. I worry about the fact that his father is such an ass. My ex called the other night, and told Ant if he wants to talk to him for Ant to call him. Well, that's a good thing. For us. I think my ex does more bad for him than good. Not only will he not pick up Ant, but a phone call is to much to ask for now. I worry Ant will be so resentful, he will be a monster when he grows up. I can't help it. But, I am learning to take it day by day. I worry that Nick will leave me. I worry that he will look at his life and see all he does for me and Ant and he will miss his own life. He takes every second of his life and puts it in ours. He lives and breathes for us. He was single up until he was 27. And he has a family now. Basically over night. I hope he knows how much we appreciate all he does for us. And how much I love him. He is on bad terms with his family because they have a hard time excepting me. He has chosen us, despite the fact that his mother and sisters are a loss for him in his life. I tend to be childish sometimes and very jealous. He always puts me first. Can I except his friends, though they have proven me wrong? I will soon find out. We have dinner plans with his friend soon. I am worried about it. I don't thing his friend will like me. I know Nick will stand by me. I am worried about a wedding that isn't even happening yet. Nick's sister may be getting engaged. Will we be invited? Will his ex girlfriend? Will we have to go?

Wonderland..

Just thinking about my last blog. Well, to tell you the truth, I think about what most mom's do..and they work. And I'm sure a nice amount of friends are probably saying "GET A JOB". Especially you Danielle. LOL. I am lucky. I am lucky enough to have relationship with a man who excepts the fact that I am a stay at home mom to a 10 year old. But I wasn't always. I used to waitress, and do some reception work, also, clean other peoples toilets. I have made some sacrifices in my life to stay home as well. We all live in a 1 bedroom apt. In a building 45 miles away from all my girlfriends whom I have know most of my life. And me and Nick sleep on a pull out sofa. Granted, we will be moving soon enough and this particular sacrifice will allow us to invest in real estate. And yes, girls, I do vacation! And Ant is lucky to have most things he wants. Thanks to Pop-pop he has every game system know to man at every stop in his life, Uncle John's, Nonna's, and at his house and at home. Pop-pop does way to much for Anthony..But my life was not always this easy. I come from a horrible relationship with a man who I was terrified that my child would grow up to be just like. And gave Anthony a man who I have know from kindergarten. I was his first kiss, and he was my first love. He respects me and adores me. What I had to say the least was basically "shit".
I took Anthony sleigh riding and met this woman. I told her about Anthony's father briefly. She expressed that if he was that bad, would I have fallen in love with him? Well, I fell in love with him in high school. I betrayed my best girlfriend doing so. Would that mean all the things I have done so young be so easy to excuse? Would smoking, drinking, and god knows all the things I have done so young be so easy to dismiss? This is what I am trying to keep Anthony away from. I know he will not be perfect. But I can do my best to guide him in the right direction...
I also have to be honest. I have no interest! I know most my friends do. And even if they hate there jobs, they worked hard to get there. They went to school, studied, graduated and found great careers. I on the other hand was to busy hanging out, traveling, partying, and having fun. Got pregnant at 19 married and had a baby. I began to waitress and thought everyone was crazy to even consider having an "on the books" job. Little did I know. It was when Anthony was 5 and started attending school that I was worried. How on earth was I going to help with h.w. cook and have dinner and tuck him in when I was working 5 to midnight shifts? I stress to Anthony that good grades and school or even having a passion for something is so important. I can see the proud look on his face when he handed me the 95 test score on his Social Studies test. At least I'm doing that right!
Boy scouts went wonderful! Anthony quickly mingled and made friends. We are looking forward to our next meet. The only thing that upsets me is how they announced that this is a great thing for boys to do with there moms dads and grandparents...I don't know. Maybe because we are a divorced family, maybe they should leave that out or add in step-parents, or just say "loved ones". Nick said Anthony, who by the way was great this morning on the way to school, said to him in the car that he is excited about doing things for the boy scouts with his dad. What a disappointment. Nick explained that he would like to do these things with him and if his dad won't he will be more than happy to. I am sure Nick is tired of being a bandage for my ex. He does a great job with Anthony, he should be recognized! My decision to have a child with a scum bag effects Anthony almost every day. I hope he understands how sorry I am. And how I tried to give him a better life.

Advice..

Sitting in my car yesterday afternoon waiting for Ant to come out of school I was talking with a good friend I made here in Jerz. She has a 10 year old, after her explaining her son's responsibilities I was shocked and disappointed to actually realize how bad I have been for Anthony. I couldn't help but to think about why my faults have been made. First, I have 1 child. I guess I have nothing else to do..Instead of sitting on facebook, reading, watching my shows, when Ant would ask for help it was easy not to neglect him. I thought I was being selfish if I refused his help. How can I ignore his cry for help and sit and read. The things he was asking for like, help me clean up my mess, or tie my shoes, should have been told no. And I should have proceeded in my business. And other thing that came to mind was pity. I guess I felt bad for him. With his issues like coming from a divorce family or his seizure disorder it was like I was making up for them...Little did I know..I was making his life a little harder.
When he came out of school yesterday..after him being hysterical in the morning, as usual he was happy..even joining an after school club, "Team Spirit" I saw that he was not sad...and I sat and worried all day for nothing.
Last night before bed Ant was mad that I did not stay with him. I asked Nick if what I was doing was mean. Nick replied and said asking myself that question day after day is what bought me here in the first place. I had to agree, but still not confidence in my decision. Thank god for Nick.
It was amazing, this morning he woke up and went straight to the kitchen for his breakfast. All ready it was a great routine. I have received an email about his cub scouts. They were having a derby race and invited us to join. He gave us such a hard time. You would think a little boy would want to go. But Ant just whined and complained. Calling it stupid. Nick had to turn the t.v. off and set him straight. I kicked in mom mode and told him he will go, and if any attitude is shown his t.v. will be turned off. Now, if I can only stick with my punishment. Why would he not want to go???? Anything new is always a problem for him. Once he gets there, he will love it and be happy we went. But his first reaction is always "NO!". So we will see how this goes...
My main concern is him leaving for school. Can he please just not be teary eyed! It is so annoying! Today he gave me a hard time tying his shoes. No whining!!!!! "I can't do it". Little to say he did. I had to fix them with him. But it is a start. On the way out the door, he of course had to be teary eyed. Nick just smiled at him and said, "let's go Ant". I shut the door. Ugh!!!! The phone call after Nick dropped him off was of course..."He was fine. Not a tear since you shut the door. Went half way to the door of the school, turned around and said..Bye Nick". Now if only I can get him to do that..

Starting off..

So, I did not think this was going to be easy. Last night, after our talk, I was hoping Ant would be proud of these changes. Anthony did his h.w. with no problem. All though Nick was helping him, no whining was in the picture. He came out of his room a few times when Nick was sitting in the living room,he was finished, studied for his vocab, and social studies. Set the table, we ate had nice conversation, unset the table. And as usual Nick and Ant had there Nerf gun fight. It was shower time. Oh, no! After the shower I heard..mom, mommy, mom..mmmmmmmmooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!! I yelled, "get out, and dry your self" after about 2 minutes of ignoring him...he asked for the time..."7:30"..Thank you he shouted..some what sarcastic. I joked with Nick that at least his manners where coming into effect. Some of the mission is all ready in place. Dressed for bed, in bed, prayers said, apple snack in place, and at 8:30 t.v. off. So now it was time to say our quick good night, and talk for a second before I exited the room. A hard time but I explained again it was not the amount of time, but the quality during the time. 2 minutes, good night, quick kiss, I love you. He hesitated like he was angry, but stubborn to say it back..."GOOD NIGHT" I said.."Good night mommy"...
This morning he woke up turned the t.v. on in his bedroom, I woke up had my coffee..He came inside, and I asked if he was ready to make his own breakfast."I can't!" Yes you can..while I was explaining how to pour cereal into a bowl, I looked at my 10 year old son, and could not believe how big he has grown. And how stubborn he was. Pouting and slamming his feet walking to the fridge for the milk...I can only imagine him screaming at me for dinner at the age of 40! Again it was proven that changes had to be in effect! He asked Nick to move politely so he can sit at the breakfast bar. He ate breakfast..put the bowl in the sink. Of course I had to remind him too. Time to get dressed by himself. Help me with my socks. Me and Nick looked over him and said to him he will have to do this himself. He looked so angry. Like I was doing something wrong..Trying to piss me off, told me if I needed something when I was old, he won't do it. I told him if I couldn't do help me, but if I was able to...don't help. He fixed himself by himself.
The hardest part of my day....
Nick went to the car to wait. Anthony was crying at this point to walk him down the stairs. I said no, and to go. If nonna or pop-pop was waiting at the door, he would shoot down in a hurry. He was hysterical! It was hard to close that door. I get so frustrated! Hearing him cry. I have to make changes! He needs to be more responsible and in a hurry. He needs to be more independent. It will give him self confidence. Nick called me and said he was fine going into the school. No crying at all. It is just me. It is proven. I don't understand how it has gotten here. I literally have held him back from becoming a man. I will worry all day about him being sad...

Raising Anthony

Ok, I am 31. I have a 10 year old boy. Anthony. I am divorced. Married at 19, divorced at 28. This blog is not about my experiences growing up, and going through a divorce. It is about my experiences as a mommy. I think I have done a great job for the past 10years. Certain things are proving me wrong. Don't get me wrong. Ant is a great kid. Does great in school, has adjusted well to our recent move to NJ. Made nice friends, and is well liked to the teachers. He has joined clubs, after school programs, and plays nice with others. He absolutely loves, loves my fiance Nick. My fiance treats him like his son. Ant has suffered from seizures since he was 11 months old. He is on meds to control them and is going on 11 months seizure free. They tend to come on when he is stressed. And when he is anxious. I have a difficult time dealing with this. I have a hard time dealing with issues. Which makes spoiling my child rotten, a good excuse. Unless of course, Ant has taken total advantage and manipulates me to no end. And this is where I am left. Anthony is in therapy. He seems to be doing well. I try my best. Anthony is a little anxious. And for a while I did think that his anxiety was mostly the problem. His father is in and out of his life, and basically sucks. But is this really a good excuse for him not to except the answer "NO"??
So today is the first day! I am so excited. It started out like any other morning. Gave me a hard time going to school. Even though every afternoon he comes out as happy as a pig in shit! I kept my head together, and drove him. Before school I explained what was on the lunch menu. He gave me a hard time...even though he liked what was on menu. I told him, he was eating it. Tuff luck...After about an hour, I get the phone call. "Mommy, you forgot to pack me lunch". Ummmm...Anthony was "hysterical" crying like someone had a gun to his head. I as usual, got nervous. Told him I explained they were serving a lunch he enjoyed and to eat hot lunch. "No, no" he explained. And I pussied out gave in, ran home, bought his lunch to the school. It wasn't until then I realized the teachers felt bad for Ant. They asked me if I wanted them to call him to the office. I said "no", and explained this will not happen again...My theory is this was Anthony wanting his way. And going to extreme measures to assure it happens. I came home, freaked out, called anyone who would listen, made list's, read up on some online mom helpers, complained to Nick about what he knew all along. That Anthony has become a monster. With all my help! I guided him to this path. Helped him make him. And held his hand down this road to rottenville. Not realizing I had gotten love confused with enabling. I picked up Anthony from school. Looked in his back pack. His lunch was still in his lunchbox...Ugh!!! He had hot lunch!! We sat down and had a talk about our changes. First off, explained how much I loved him. How I want him to be successful. Told him it was my fault too, and expressed my concerns. I wrote down all the changes. Brace yourself....deep breath...Manners, we will have them. Calling gifts "junk" is not acceptable. Answering someones question is acceptable. Saying please and thank you. Yes, I did have to remind him of the definition of these words. Hello, and good-bys. And the "excuse me" after he realises himself is mandatory!!! He had to learn how to control his feelings. The constant whining, crying, and complaining is going to end. Thank the lord! He had to learn how to SPEAK!! I could not bare to hear an other whine. Deep down these things were making me into a person who was getting nervous because of his behavior. I was beginning to loose my grip. He had to change. I had to help him, for I bought him here. Cursing was an other thing Anthony thought he can do. He thought it was funny. And all my threats, because I never follow through, did not work. I hated my little boy turning into a truck driver. It was going to stop. He had to learn how to be a big boy. He had to learn that Nick was going to drive him to school. He never gets away with anything with Nick. Nick is firm. I explained this to Ant. I told him mommy had to learn too. He will make his bed in the morning, pick up after himself, make his own cereal, pick his towel up off the floor, and yes, yes, dry himself after he gets out of the shower. That's right...I still dry him. Its unbelievable. But true. I told him about his big boy parts..which he knew about, but that they are personal and private, and he needs his privacy. Just like me. Every night me and Ant would cuddle. I don't think this is so bad. But it is when it has begun to be the only way my child can fall a sleep. I told him that too was going to end. But explained that our talks are whats important, and I would love to talk to him. I do not have to go in the bed, and it does not have to take a certain amount of time. But it does not have to be in bed, for 5 minutes, and every night. I hope that he understands that this is not a punishment, but preparation for him to be a gentleman. A good man, and not fat, a slob, disrespectful..and frankly, a fuck. This blog is for me to basically prove to myself I can do this. That I have something to let my frustration out on. I know this is not going to be easy. Some mistakes in the process. Some anger, anxiety, pressure, depression, and laziness. I hope you can come with me on this journey and hopefully get some laughs out of the process of raising Anthony.