Wonderland..

Just thinking about my last blog. Well, to tell you the truth, I think about what most mom's do..and they work. And I'm sure a nice amount of friends are probably saying "GET A JOB". Especially you Danielle. LOL. I am lucky. I am lucky enough to have relationship with a man who excepts the fact that I am a stay at home mom to a 10 year old. But I wasn't always. I used to waitress, and do some reception work, also, clean other peoples toilets. I have made some sacrifices in my life to stay home as well. We all live in a 1 bedroom apt. In a building 45 miles away from all my girlfriends whom I have know most of my life. And me and Nick sleep on a pull out sofa. Granted, we will be moving soon enough and this particular sacrifice will allow us to invest in real estate. And yes, girls, I do vacation! And Ant is lucky to have most things he wants. Thanks to Pop-pop he has every game system know to man at every stop in his life, Uncle John's, Nonna's, and at his house and at home. Pop-pop does way to much for Anthony..But my life was not always this easy. I come from a horrible relationship with a man who I was terrified that my child would grow up to be just like. And gave Anthony a man who I have know from kindergarten. I was his first kiss, and he was my first love. He respects me and adores me. What I had to say the least was basically "shit".
I took Anthony sleigh riding and met this woman. I told her about Anthony's father briefly. She expressed that if he was that bad, would I have fallen in love with him? Well, I fell in love with him in high school. I betrayed my best girlfriend doing so. Would that mean all the things I have done so young be so easy to excuse? Would smoking, drinking, and god knows all the things I have done so young be so easy to dismiss? This is what I am trying to keep Anthony away from. I know he will not be perfect. But I can do my best to guide him in the right direction...
I also have to be honest. I have no interest! I know most my friends do. And even if they hate there jobs, they worked hard to get there. They went to school, studied, graduated and found great careers. I on the other hand was to busy hanging out, traveling, partying, and having fun. Got pregnant at 19 married and had a baby. I began to waitress and thought everyone was crazy to even consider having an "on the books" job. Little did I know. It was when Anthony was 5 and started attending school that I was worried. How on earth was I going to help with h.w. cook and have dinner and tuck him in when I was working 5 to midnight shifts? I stress to Anthony that good grades and school or even having a passion for something is so important. I can see the proud look on his face when he handed me the 95 test score on his Social Studies test. At least I'm doing that right!
Boy scouts went wonderful! Anthony quickly mingled and made friends. We are looking forward to our next meet. The only thing that upsets me is how they announced that this is a great thing for boys to do with there moms dads and grandparents...I don't know. Maybe because we are a divorced family, maybe they should leave that out or add in step-parents, or just say "loved ones". Nick said Anthony, who by the way was great this morning on the way to school, said to him in the car that he is excited about doing things for the boy scouts with his dad. What a disappointment. Nick explained that he would like to do these things with him and if his dad won't he will be more than happy to. I am sure Nick is tired of being a bandage for my ex. He does a great job with Anthony, he should be recognized! My decision to have a child with a scum bag effects Anthony almost every day. I hope he understands how sorry I am. And how I tried to give him a better life.

Advice..

Sitting in my car yesterday afternoon waiting for Ant to come out of school I was talking with a good friend I made here in Jerz. She has a 10 year old, after her explaining her son's responsibilities I was shocked and disappointed to actually realize how bad I have been for Anthony. I couldn't help but to think about why my faults have been made. First, I have 1 child. I guess I have nothing else to do..Instead of sitting on facebook, reading, watching my shows, when Ant would ask for help it was easy not to neglect him. I thought I was being selfish if I refused his help. How can I ignore his cry for help and sit and read. The things he was asking for like, help me clean up my mess, or tie my shoes, should have been told no. And I should have proceeded in my business. And other thing that came to mind was pity. I guess I felt bad for him. With his issues like coming from a divorce family or his seizure disorder it was like I was making up for them...Little did I know..I was making his life a little harder.
When he came out of school yesterday..after him being hysterical in the morning, as usual he was happy..even joining an after school club, "Team Spirit" I saw that he was not sad...and I sat and worried all day for nothing.
Last night before bed Ant was mad that I did not stay with him. I asked Nick if what I was doing was mean. Nick replied and said asking myself that question day after day is what bought me here in the first place. I had to agree, but still not confidence in my decision. Thank god for Nick.
It was amazing, this morning he woke up and went straight to the kitchen for his breakfast. All ready it was a great routine. I have received an email about his cub scouts. They were having a derby race and invited us to join. He gave us such a hard time. You would think a little boy would want to go. But Ant just whined and complained. Calling it stupid. Nick had to turn the t.v. off and set him straight. I kicked in mom mode and told him he will go, and if any attitude is shown his t.v. will be turned off. Now, if I can only stick with my punishment. Why would he not want to go???? Anything new is always a problem for him. Once he gets there, he will love it and be happy we went. But his first reaction is always "NO!". So we will see how this goes...
My main concern is him leaving for school. Can he please just not be teary eyed! It is so annoying! Today he gave me a hard time tying his shoes. No whining!!!!! "I can't do it". Little to say he did. I had to fix them with him. But it is a start. On the way out the door, he of course had to be teary eyed. Nick just smiled at him and said, "let's go Ant". I shut the door. Ugh!!!! The phone call after Nick dropped him off was of course..."He was fine. Not a tear since you shut the door. Went half way to the door of the school, turned around and said..Bye Nick". Now if only I can get him to do that..